I will fuck you like a fat girl. But only for the first couple months of our relationship. After that I will begin to view both you and our relationship as a tedious chore, like doing the dishes or shaving your back. When this happens I will start wearing snow pants to bed and adopting small children. The children I am talking about prefer to be called little people so please don’t refer to them as dwarves.

On your birthday the children and I will form an alliance against you. We will wait until you have gone to work and then we will collect your pants and socks and shirts and donate them to Goodwill. Then when you come home from work we will yell Surprise! And you will have to try and figure out what the surprise is.

After dinner the children will blindfold you and tie you to your chair while I go into the kitchen for your “real” surprise. When we get home from the movie later, you will still be sitting at the kitchen table.

“Jesus, ---, haven’t you moved an inch since we left?” I will ask, making my voice sound irritated, which won’t be hard. “Quit clowning around and help me get these kids to bed.”

Then I will untie your hands and you will untie the blindfold, which is actually a new tie the kids and I picked out for you while we were dropping off your clothes at Goodwill, so make sure you notice and say something nice about how you’ve always liked the comic strip Cathy and can’t wait to wear your new tie to work or the kids will think you’re a jerk and not just because you still occasionally slip and refer to them as dwarves when talking on the phone or to the neighbors.

After we have tucked the kids in bed I will ask you to turn out the lights and meet me in the bedroom. You will start immediately to get excited because you’ve been sleeping on the couch in the den ever since we adopted our first little person and --- Jr. is now fourteen and almost three feet tall.

“Come here,” I’ll say when you’re finished, patting the empty part of the bed where you used to sleep. I’ll pull back the covers and you’ll see that instead of snow pants I’m wearing a pair of thin thermal underwear. You will be unfamiliar with this pair of thin thermal underwear and immediately you’ll start to wonder if I’ve been having an affair.

While you’re wondering I’ll get up on my hands and knees and straddle your hips. “Who’s my big birthday boy?” I’ll ask, real cheerful, and you’ll smile and breathe a sigh of relief and say, “I am!” like this proves I didn’t cheat on you.

After that I’ll be tired and roll onto my back. I’ll raise an eyebrow in your direction and make a gun of my thumb and forefinger and point it at my crotch as if to say, “eh?” This will be your invitation to have sex with me before I fall asleep. The sex won’t be great like it was in the beginning when I was enthusiastic about your penis and fucked you like a fat girl. I will not change positions but will remain the entire time on my back. I will try for a while, because it is your birthday, to make you think I’m into it but after a couple minutes I will give up and start counting by threes to a hundred in my head.

When you’re finished I will feel this immense sense of relief like I do when you and the kids are all gone and I finally have the house to myself. Then I will turn to you and say, “That was nice, honey,” in case you’re still wondering if I had an affair, before turning on my side and falling asleep.