It is Monday. I wake up. I step outside. The day wraps white sheets around me like a corpse. I hate my empty life. My garden is ruined. The wind speaks to me of change. I will become a better person and learn about love. Suddenly my path is clear. I decide to join The Mafia. But the town I live in is small, too small to have a Mafia, too small even to have a decent Italian restaurant. Still I don’t give up. I must find The Mafia. So I go to the police station. They know where The Mafia is. Inside there are two officers. One is a young gung-ho rookie with a blonde crew cut. His head looks like a blonde anvil. His head looks like a blonde block of ice. His head looks like the landing deck of an aircraft carrier. His head looks like a blonde America. The other is a wizened old veteran that smokes cigars. His head looks like an ashtray. I ask them where The Mafia is. The young one laughs. He tells me the town is too small to have a Mafia. The old one tells me different. He says not many people know it but we do have a Mafia, a very small one, a very secret one, it’s a very small secret Mafia. He tells me the address but he says “You’re not Sicilian so they won’t let you join.” I say “Maybe they’ll make an exception.” I go to where The Mafia is. I meet the boss. His name is Sammy, Sammy the Hydrophone. There is only one other member. His name is Ectoplasm Freddie. Those are the only two members of The Mafia in my town. I ask them if I can join. They say ordinarily the answer would be no. But they need another member because they both have cancer and don’t have long to live. Also each is planning to kill the other one, so each is thinking he’ll need a new member. So they decide to let me join. But I have to kill somebody first. That’s called “making yer bones.” It’s called being a “made-man." They give me a knife and a gun. I go home because it is nighttime. I start to think of whom I should kill. I have to kill somebody by Tuesday night. I remember a woman who said she once loved me. I think she might still have a little tiny bit of love for me. I start thinking maybe she will let me kill her. I’m thinking if she really ever loved me and if she knew how much it meant to me just maybe she will let me kill her. I go to sleep.

It’s Tuesday. I wake up. I go to the woman’s house and she’s glad to see me. I have my knife and my gun. She asks about them. I say I’ll tell you about it later. She says no tell me now. I tell her. I say I need to kill somebody so I can join the Mafia and change my life and become a better person and learn about love. I tell her that I thought maybe she might still love me a little and since it means so much to me to join The Mafia that maybe she would let me kill her. She says she’ll think about it. We talk and reminisce about old times. Then we fuck. We talk some more. We fuck more. We start to like each other again. We change our names to Romeo & Juliet. We call each other Baby. We change our last name to Baby and now we are a couple…Mr. & Mrs. Romeo & Juliet Baby. The neighbors know us as The Babys. We fuck some more. By noon Juliet Baby is pregnant. Juliet Baby has a baby. After lunch she has another baby. We fuck more and by late afternoon we have three wonderful children. We name our children Betty, Bob, and Bill. So that’s Betty, Bob, and Bill Baby. We are proud of our children. By dinnertime they have grown up, flown the coop and dissolved into the world. Our nest is empty and we are sad but we still have each other. Juliet Baby says she has decided that it would be OK if I killed her. She says “ Hey Romeo Baby let’s fuck one more time and then you can kill me.” I start thinking I shouldn’t kill Juliet Baby. I start having second thoughts about joining The Mafia. But how will I ever know love? So Juliet Baby and me do some real hot and heavy fucking. Later we cry. Then we go to sleep in each other’s arms because we are very tired. We had a very long life this Tuesday.

It is Wednesday. I wake up. The phone is ringing. It is Ectoplasm Freddie and he says the boss is very very mad. I ask why. Ectoplasm Freddie says I was supposed to have killed somebody by midnight last night and that I was supposed to come by and tell him and Sammy the Hydrophone about it. I said I changed my mind and that I’ve decided not to join The Mafia after all. Ectoplasm Freddie says it’s too late. I’m not allowed to back out of a deal with The Mafia. Plus I know too much. So now The Mafia has to put a hit on me. That’s called “taking care of things.” Ectoplasm Freddie says no matter where I go they will find me. I tell Juliet Baby about the phone call. We are both very upset because I had planned to live with Juliet Baby all day Wednesday and there was going to be a lot of sucking and fucking. But I have to protect Juliet Baby and I have to protect myself too. I decide to run away. I tell Juliet Baby I have to run away. I tell Juliet Baby that it’s for her own good. There is nowhere to hide from The Mafia. I have to disguise myself. I decide that I have to take a “drastic action.” I tell Juliet Baby I’m going to have to take a drastic action. I tell her I’m going to get a sex change. That is an example of a drastic action. But I tell Juliet Baby that one-day I’ll come back and I will be a lesbian. She says she’ll wait for me.

It is Thursday. I wake up. I go to the sex-change clinic. They cut off my pecker and make me into a woman. The surgeon says I have to go out and practice being a woman. The surgeon knows I’m hiding from The Mafia but my secret is safe with him. That’s called “doctor-patient confidentiality.” I leave the sex-change clinic. I try to practice being a woman. For most of the day I think I need a man to teach me to be a woman. I try to have several affairs but I’m not too attractive to men. The men I do meet aren’t honest to me. They act like they’re hiding from The Mafia. Finally I go to a bar and sing karaoke and drink beer with men. An old grizzled man buys me a lot of beer and together we eat a bunch of pickled eggs. We are drunk and we think we are in love. This is called “drunk love.” We go outside to his pick-up truck to fuck. He takes off my panties and starts eating my pussy. I like it a lot. I think I’m a real woman and I’m just about to cum. But then he falls asleep drooling in my bush. I wake him up by sucking his cock. He starts fucking me good but then he falls asleep again. I go back to sucking his cock. He’s really awake now and his cock is getting real big. I decide to let him cum in my mouth. This is called “service work.” He’s playing with lighter fluid and cigarettes and fucking my mouth. Suddenly I feel a gag and I puke up all the beer and pickled eggs in his crotch. I look up. I am ashamed. He has a seizure and accidentally squirts the lighter fluid in my eyes. Then the cigarette spark lands in my eyes and my eyes burst into flames. This is called a “bad drunken sexual experience.”

It is Friday. I wake up. My eyes are burnt out and I don’t have love. An ambulance takes me to the doctor. He patches up my eyes but I am always going to be blind. But he finds a way to give me sight anyway. In my burnt out eye sockets, the doctor installs nests of small birds. He hooks up the birds to my optical nerves. Now I can see but it’s not easy. The doctor feels sorry for me and decides to take me home to his wife. They put me to bed and let me sleep all day.

It is Saturday. I wake up. I’m at the doctor’s estate. I am healing. The doctor’s wife is also a doctor. She tells me things. She tells me it’s easy to look everywhere except right in front of you. Then she takes me for a walk. It’s so beautiful that the doctor’s wife takes off her clothes. She goes swimming in a stream. I take off my clothes too. I go swimming. The doctor’s wife gets dressed and asks if I want to go back to the house. I feel sleepy and my bird eyes need to exercise. I tell the doctor’s wife that I’ll just rest here and maybe finger my clit if that’s Okay. She said it was Okay, in fact it was a perfectly natural and healthy thing for a woman to finger herself in the forest. I begin to get that really sexy feeling. Some of my birds are flying in the trees and some are still in their eye socket nests. I play with my pussy for a long time. I cum like the doctor’s wife showed me. Afterwards I get tired and I fall asleep.

It is Sunday. I wake up. I’m still naked in the woods and my pussy’s tingly. All the birds have come back from the trees. They are excited. There are several hardwood trees that have been watching me playing with my pussy. They grow a bunch of vines and they fuck me real good. I fuck trees all day. I am a real woman. The trees are real manly trees. Then my eyes go flying over the fields. My very best boyfriend tree says tomorrow I might not remember this forest of love. I am hungry so I go back to the doctor’s house. Later that night they take me to my house. I go to sleep.

It is Monday. I wake up. I step outside. They day wraps white sheets around me like a corpse. I hate my empty life. My garden is ruined. The wind speaks to me of change. I will become a better person and learn about love. Suddenly my path is clear.