If you accidentally trip on the sidewalk in front of a bunch of people just continue to lie face down like something serious happened. The people will still laugh at your misfortune but then the laughing will subside and everyone will feel like an asshole.


When someone shows you their baby, don't say, "Let's see how much of that widdle arm I can fit in my mouth and down my throat." You will get punched or arrested.


Just be yourself and everyone will accept you. Unless you are a gigantic AIDS-scab that has body odor and talks a lot of shit.


The best way to avoid getting murdered is to hide in your closet at night. I mean, so far so good.


If you want to confuse someone you randomly meet on the street, say, "Tonight the storm arrives and with it, years of suffering." Then make the sign of the cross in the air and back away slowly.


If you ever find a used condom on the street, don't put it on, no matter how cold your penis/ear/nose/hand/tongue is. You will get a rash.


The next time you are about to ejaculate into someone, put your fingers in your ears and close your eyes and say, "Three, two, one…" The other person might not laugh, but at least then you know where things stand.


The best way to get feces off of your windshield is with your windshield wipers, unless they're broken, in which case some sort of shovel or huge toothbrush might work.


After you figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop, try to figure out how many kicks it takes to get to the center or someone's chest. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.


When running over a small child with your car, there are some very important things to remember:
1. Go for the head otherwise the kid will scream.
2. The best excuse is something about how they 'just ran out into the street to get their ball' and then add something about not looking and maybe something about how it's a good thing nobody else got hurt. This makes you look like a humanitarian even though you still have a slight boner from smashing the kid up.
3. Oh wait, I just thought of something else too. Try to say something jocular about the whole thing, like 'man, they oughtta fix these potholes' this will most likely lead to sudden smiles and laughter for all parties and then you can high five each other and go your separate ways.
4. I just thought of something else, if you're not that humorous, try this: after the parent runs out and starts screaming (which they will trust me) then look at them with a concerned expression, then look at the bloody mess under your front wheel, then look back at the parent and say 'college is expensive anyway.'


Don't believe the saying, "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" because I think that everyone should fear falling off of a roof and then breaking their neck and having to lie on the grass, immobilized while the sun bakes their face leaving it a dry, flaky remnant of the last expression of fear on an earth that clearly doesn't give a shit about anyone.


No matter how many times you explain to the police that you always water your lawn with blood given to you by the ghost of your grandfather, they won't listen. So uh, actually, I don't know, just try not to get caught on this one.


Relax, the sun isn't trying to kill you. But just to be sure, whenever you leave the house, wrap black construction paper around your head and tape it down good.


If you're playing Super Punch Out for Nintendo, hold the select button down between rounds and you will gain life when the next round starts.


When putting a razor blade on someone's bagel, for god's sake, cover the razor blade with cream-cheese other wise they'll notice and you'll fail once again in cleansing the earth of your enemies.


Putting a vacuum cleaner hose down your throat will not 'get the evil out of you.' It will just hurt and taste bad.


Abstinence is key. But, if you absolutely have to try to play a horse's butthole like a flute, then please, please carry around some chapstick because your lips will smell very bad.


Chuck E. Cheese's is a good place to have a super fun time. It is also a great place to sell drugs to little kids.


I am not that socially adept, but I know that it will be awkward if, when your mom tells you she has to have her uterus removed, you say, 'oh man, can I use it to go trick or treating?'


If for some reason you want to get hit with a purse or kicked in the balls, then walk up to a lady who is pushing a stroller and open your eyes real wide and start laughing like a cartoon villain.


When your grandma tells you how special you are, she's only saying that so that you'll have sex with her.


Friends are everything. They are. But if you grab your friend's head and pull it to your nose and then say, "relax I just want to see if I can still smell the placenta" then you will have no friends.


"All the king's horses and all the king's men" is part of that humpty dumpty rhyme, but it would also be a good title for a porno.


Whenever you get a haircut, and someone says, "oh hey, you got a haircut" you should affect a somewhat confused look, then slowly reach your hands up to your head and feel around, and then say "oh my god, how did this happen?" and then become increasingly more terrified and start screaming and keep yelling "oh my god, fuck, how did this happen, it must've happened while I was sleeping oh god oh god oh god.” That will most likely keep them from stating things that are obvious.


When someone asks you how long you and your boyfriend/girlfriend have been dating, say, "oh, I don't know, however long ago it was that the space delegates from Xanthrum Gliptos Galaxy 4 landed here. Honey, how long ago was that?"


After you have sex with your girlfriend, you may be tempted to say some sentimental things. However, I strongly advise against this one: "man, sometimes I feel so much love for you I—I don't know, I just wish I could shrink myself and a lawnmower and mow your public hair."


The best way to get rid of someone you hate is to call them over to use your slip and slide, and before they come over you dig a really big hole at the end of the slip and slide and line the bottom of the hole with knives. Then cover the hole with leaves and be like, "oh no, you go first, I insist." Then when they get ready to go, shoot them in the back of the head and uh, I don't know, figure out something to do with that big hole you dug, because that could hurt someone.


For added zip, try adding mustard to your potato salad.


Barry Graham
When meeting your father-in-law for the first time, it is best to show him your penis. If it is bigger than his, he will be envious, he will treat you with dignity and respect. If it is smaller, he will pity you, he will treat you with sympathy and compassion.

Lisa Ladehoff
Be a good girlfriend. Cook your boyfriend breakfast in the morning. Make him coffee. Fetch the paper. Un-cap his beer. Stroke his ego. Praise his wit. Diss feminism. When he gets that look in his eye, suck his cock.

Wagner Israel Cilio III
When you are going to tell someone that their mother died, make everyone in the room line up. Then have everyone who's mother is living take a step forward. When the person whose mother is dead tries to step forward, impale him with a javelin and whisper quietly that you just don't want any more people to have to be sad because of the news.

Drew Kalbach
When deep sea fishing, always bring a pole. Tying a long string to the end of your penis then dipping it into the water is fun until a very large fish takes the bait, then your cock, in one jerk of its scaly head. Instead, encourage your friends to try this.

Ryan Manning
If we are chatting on AOL instant messenger and you are not typing in size 10 Arial font it will affect our relationship in a negative way.

Jereme Dean
Remember that not every one will find it amusing when you drill a hole in your floor, drop your pants, stick your dick through the hole and wiggle it at the Asian family eating rice and watching Judge Judy in the apartment below no matter how much genius and intelligence you think you possess.

Jereme Dean
It is always a good idea to reply "fuck you" if a question posed befuddles you. This will leave the questioner confused and you can bask in the glory that is you.

Just because other people do it, have done it, or are about to do it, and didn't fuck it up doesn't mean this applies to you. People like you should never try at anything. Lower your expectations. In fact, don't have any, that way, you'll never be disappointed. And yes, your mother is proud that you 'hardly ever' litter. She is clinging onto that...right now.

In order to discourage the squandering of chi energy through unproductive sexual intercourse, train your mind to summon unwanted images at the moment of orgasm. Potential images include but are not limited to: your mother nude, Michael Moore's gaping butthole, a shit sandwich, Donald Trump. Alternative: make sure that someone gets pregnant every time you fuck.